Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

:flirty:
 


Tonight she eats with flexing, twitching hands
upon the table. Vulgar girl, she rhymes
some doggerel at them. Her mouth and hands
are locked in gestures mocking them with rhymes.
They chuckle. She stands up and lifts her hands
to call for quiet; announces without rhymes
that she is tired, and for their work of hands
this evening she gives thanks. Politest rhymes
of gesture spill out as they clap their hands
at her, refrain from cheerful vulgar rhymes.
She trundles off to bed, clenches her hands.
Each finger curled down, the hands are rhymes.
But as she leaves, they're staring at her feet,
Her bare, mercurially soft and springing feet.
©2008-2009 ~algormortis
:iconalgormortis:

Author's Comments

Sort of a free-write, and an experimental sonnet; the constraint of format I used should be obvious. Perhaps I will do more in this style. The necessary repetition of words should be a good exercise if you're trying to banish trite abstractions and unnecessary flowery usage from your poetry. I challenge someone to try it.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconalgormortis:
well, John, one idea would be to allow the use of two different words for the ending couplet, giving you something like "But as she leaves, they're staring at her feet/ which she concealed as they sat down to eat."

--
Let me be a grain of sand in Heaven's eye
And I shall taste eternal joy.
:icondyslexistentialism:
Excellent show of blank verse, it's always sensations with you; you should read "Miss Julie" by August Strindberg, a play with sensations speaking for the characters' thoughts.

Though I think that you shouldn't use "vulgar" a second time; I love that word, but unfortunately you're taking away from the well-placed condescension of the first time you use it.

--
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear

And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon
:iconalgormortis:
oh crap, I didn't even realize I had done that. good catch.

I've been thinking I should check Strindberg out too!! principally because he's a large influence on Ingmar Bergman.

--
Let me be a grain of sand in Heaven's eye
And I shall taste eternal joy.

Details

February 27, 2008
809 bytes

Statistics

3
1 [who?]
93 (0 today)
1 (0 today)

Site Map